Sometimes - no matter what I’m doing at the moment, I’ll just stop what I’m doing and think about the fact that I lived 2 miles away from my father for exactly two years - and he never knew.

I moved into my home in 2024 - after deciding I would rather move back to my childhood neighborhood instead of paying rent in a very upscale community. I knew that I lived close to my dad. I couldn’t exactly remember what his house looked like but I knew how to get to his street.

I also had his number.

And it wasn’t like I was hiding the fact that I lived so close to him. I just pictured one day he would reach out to me - as he typically did every couple of years - and that he would check in and ask me how I was doing. And I would tell him that I bought a house not too far away from him. And then he would be impressed - he seemed to always be so impressed by all of my updates.

And then the calls would lead to him making tentative plans for us to do something together, but they would never happen - but if we lived close to one another, then maybe it would be more likely to happen.

But now I feel so stupid. I could’ve called him myself and told him. And then I think about how finding out like that would’ve made him feel. Hurt - that he’s learning that his eldest daughter lived 2 miles away from him for two years and I never once picked up the phone to call him and tell him.

I couldn’t see past my childist desires for recognition and praise - to see the hurt that my actions cause. And was I really motivated by recognition and praise? I don’t know. I’m sure if I would’ve called and told him about the house - he would’ve praised me… I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know.

Do you think he was intimidated by me? I’ve thought about this once or twice. My dad has only spoken to me a few times as an adult - no more than 10 times compared to my childhood where I visited him often until age 12…. He knew how to handle me as a child, but not as a teen or as a woman.

As a woman, he saw me even less, maybe 3 times altogether. Not much.

Your relationship changes with your parents once you become an adult. You no longer view them with a child's eyes. You see all of their faults. Maybe he was worried about this.

I knew he didn’t know how to handle me as an adult. One time he called me, this was perhaps after I had graduated with my bachelors or masters - I’m not sure, and wanted to catch up. Afterwards, he offered for us to get together and hang out. He talked about us going to some water park together…. as a way to catch up…as if I’m some little kid who needs this type of entertainment.

At that moment, I asked myself, why this water park? Why not coffee or dinner? Now I ask myself, why didn’t I just suggest it myself…

I agreed at the moment, not wanting to embarrass him and also doubting this trip would happen in the first place.

It didn’t.

What I’m getting too is that there were a lot of lost opportunities over the years. Maybe on both sides.

And now I’m left living in a house, 2 miles away from where my father lived, wondering if he was dying there the entire time.

Olivia